My Husband has a Mistress..........

My husband has a mistress, I’ve known this since I met him and I married him anyway. She sleeps between us every year from October to July. I have to give him credit, he was completely upfront about it, talked about the passion they shared, that she was his first love, she was there for him when no one else was and he politely told me no one would ever take her place.  My husband has a mistress, her name is basketball and I am totally okay with that.



Part of our Family; Freshman 2014-2015 Team

Somewhere I once read that it is a blessing to have something to be passionate about, but if you are actually good at what you are passionate about it is a sign.  For my better half all signs point to coaching basketball, he is passionate about helping kids and basketball, the bonus is that he is really good at it.  It takes a special person to reach today’s youth, to get them to buy in, to get them to believe in what you’re teaching and somehow Charlie does that. 

 

Anything worth doing, is worth doing well, my Granny Margaret said those words to me as a little girl and there’s not an aspect of life they do not reach.  When you are as passionate about something as Charlie you give it your all and then some, so that means our household must revolve around basketball and it does.  That fact is why it’s normal for him to not be home until late, for him to be at the gym hours before practice even starts.  It is normal for our trunk to be full of extra uniforms and basketballs, it is normal to find practice schedules all over the house, it is normal for your wife to actually know what a press offense is.  Every night I watch him read leadership books and draw up play’s (Alex once asked why he was drawing all those hugs and kisses) with X’s and O’s and infuriate me to no end rewinding games to re-watch plays.  It is normal for your wardrobe to consist of only the school colors (even when it’s not your best color) and for the abundance of Coaching DVDs in your entertainment stand to outweigh the cartoons.  Charlie puts his whole heart into helping boys grow, not only as basketball players but as young men. The lesson being, you can have all the talent in the world, but if you don’t work you can’t win or you can be lacking in talent but make up for it by working hard and be as equally successful.  Hard work ethic on the court will eventually bleed into everyday life.  To want something big you have to make big sacrifices. 

Our Daughter, Alex at a late night game.

Alex and I have heard all the stories about how he didn’t have toys as a little boy, he only worried about basketball; although my mother-in-law is quick to point out that he had a love for toy trains at one point, ha.  The point of his story being that his passion for the sport started long ago and back in the day he was pretty good based on the stories I have heard. Rarely do you ever just see that “love” for the game anymore, rarely do you see a young athlete so dedicated that they live, sleep and eat their sport. The thing is, not every good player will be a good coach, it takes more than the ability to play the game and understand the game.  If you really take time and notice, good coaches are people whom leave a lasting impact on lives.  I like to joke with him all the time that he may have a career in politics ahead because of all the former players and player’s parents that stop him to speak at events.  At the end of the day, it’s not the win/loss record he is worried about, it’s about if he / our family have made an impact in just one life, did we help someone reach a goal, get closer to a goal, learn a life lesson. Still to this day he texts with boys that played for him years ago, some of them have gone on to Coach themselves and when they reach out to “talk shop” with him, his face lights up.  That’s how you know you haven’t failed them, that you in a sense have succeeded. With anything in life there is no guarantee for success, there is always the room for negative, that is just a chance you take. 

One of my favorite basketball quotes

Whoever said it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, was wrong, it totally matters when you are going home with the coach.  We have a routine for those nights when the team has just lost -  we just don’t talk about it, I try desperately to change the subject and if that doesn’t work I use our ten year old daughter to soften him up when she is not sulking over the loss herself.  Charlie hates to lose, but the thing is, he doesn’t hate it for him, he hates it for his players.  As a Coach he wants to shoulder all the responsibility, he wants to take the blame and wants to give the credit.  It takes a special person to always put others before themselves, to be completely selfless in an endeavor and that’s what he does. 

 I have wondered in the past why he does it, why does he pour his heart and soul into teams that may or may not appreciate it.  It wasn’t until one day after a loss that broke a pretty impressive winning streak, I began to understand what he had been telling me for years.  Walking into our living room I was not prepared for the smile gracing his lips, that didn’t happen after losses. He proceeded to tell me he had just gotten a message from one of the first kids he ever coached thanking him for something he taught him a long time ago.  Meaning clicked for me at that moment, this is not just about a game he has loved since he was a kid, it is about life.  He doesn’t do it for himself and doesn’t care if he ever gets credit for anything, he does it for the kids.


Freshman 2014-2015 team at a Tourney Championship

 No, it’s not always rainbows and sunshine, Charlie has endured enough adversity for all of us.  Sad fact about the world we live in, someone is always rooting for you to fail.  He’s much more even kill about the criticism than I am.  When the tough times hit I feel like I have to question motive, why would you possibly want to deceive a person so willing to give to our youth with nothing in return.  I have asked him point blank why he continues to do it. My instinct when someone comes at you is to retaliate, that’s not how Charlie operates, he is usually the one calming me down when it is him that should be outraged.  He’s told me numerous times “if I can help just one kid reach a goal or learn a life lesson then I’ll have done my job. It’s not about the voices around me, it’s only about the kids” 

 

We recently celebrated eight years as Coach and Coach’s wife, he was a coach before we got married; I thought I knew what I was getting into, I was wrong.  Nothing could have ever prepared me for the job I was walking in to, or the blessings it would bring into my life.  His coaching has brought some of my very best friends into my life, brought people into my life who have become our family.  Being a Coach’s wife/ Coach Mom is a job that I enjoy. I laugh all the time and say I have one daughter and about 12 sons, because that is honestly how it feels at times.  Our doors are always open, not just to the current players but former ones as well and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Once someone becomes family, they stay family, long after the ball stops bouncing, long after they have moved on to college, marriage and career.  Reaching out to players after they’re gone isn’t part of the job description, and my husband has never been one to follow instructions, he still talks to a lot of his former players regularly, checking up on them. motivating them, rooting for them.  



Fondue during the AAU season with some great young men.

I have rolled my sorry tail out of the bed at the crack of dawn to cut up breakfast fruit before a tournament game.  It is a given that at least three times a season, my living room will be full of teenage boys that expect me to feed them, so I feed them and  they eat, a lot. In the warmer months we cook out and swim.  Charlie is really good at planning these events (insert sarcasm here) , meaning he tells me twelve hours prior and says, “I think you should get….”  So I do, all while mumbling under my breath about how I am going to kill him.  Really I enjoy the company as much as he does. Our home is their home, I want the kids to feel welcome and comfortable there, for those months during the season, they will see him more than I will.
         So, as we begin a new season my life will consist of nightmares of Coaching DVDs, dinner will consist of fast food or concession food.  Saturdays will be reserved for games in addition to the week night specials, my living room will smell like gym socks, my car will be overrun with basketballs, the players will complain about my driving, I will make an endless amount of turtles and Better than Basketball cakes, I will shush my husband a million times for lashing out at an official, I will finally lose my cool and lash out at an official myself, I will have to calm my daughter down when she tries to coach from the stands and I will have to block out the negativity slung at him. Our life will revolve around his mistress for the better part of a year before she gives us a three to four-month hiatus.  And at the end of the season, the record won’t matter as much to him as the relationships he’s made on the way and if his team has gotten better as individuals.  I share my husband with basketball, I get to watch him live out part of his dream by helping kids.   I am a Coach’s wife, this is what I signed up for and I am beyond blessed to call this coach mine.
 

If Only...it were Like it was on....(Insert your favorite Drama Show Here)

Netflix, Netflix, Netflix....best thing since sliced bread.  Seriously, what did we do before we had the
capability to binge watch entire seasons, sometimes series in very few sittings.  Being more of a reader myself, I have just recently been bitten by the "Binge" bug where I have watched an entire season of a drama in one sitting (don't judge),  Olivia Pope would capture anyone's attention from the get go.  Scandal hasn't been my only indulgence, there have been many victims to my Netflix "Binges" since my daughter gifted me with a Roku last Mothers Day.

Given this unlimited access and gift of not actually having to wait until next week at the regular time slot to see what happens to our favorite characters, imaginations start running wild, you are allowed to slip into the characters.  Lie if you want, but at one point you have sympathized with, related to and cried with fictional characters, you have wanted to actually be them and our minds get so wrapped around these things the lines between fictional and reality actually start to get blurred. We begin to think, what if my life really was like that and that ignited my thinking....

What if..... I were a powerful woman in Washington, D.C fixing problems and having a steamy affair with the president, a la Olivia Pope.  I mean how awesome would it be to be the "mistress" everyone actually rooted for as apposed to wearing the Scarlet Letter in society. Be honest, Thursday nights and during Netflix binges are the only instances we deem the "mistress" the good girl, we actually root for her, we cheer on the infidelity between her and our Commander in Chief insisting that even if he does divorce his wife for the "other" woman, we would still vote for him, all would still be well in societal standards.  As women, we relate, the desire we all have to be a powerful female, a hot commodity professionally,  to be loyal to a fault, to have people who believe in you so much they would fight for you, to be wanted relentlessly by a man that should not want us; a man that we cannot have.  Our heart strings are tugged as we await Olivia's personal happily ever after since professionally she has sacrificed everything for everyone else.  That's where you get sucked in, her need to "mother" her staff, her need to be all consumed by love because you can't chose who you fall in love with, her need to wear the "white" hat that makes things better.  Scandal makes you rethink, makes you re-evaluate what really is bad or wrong and what really is good or right and I love that, I am team Olivia all the way.
 
What if......I married my high school sweetheart, had a successful music career and my husband graced the NBA, a la Haley James Scott.  No one will ever make me believe that at one point you didn't envy Tutor Girl and Nathan's relationship (aka Naley) on One Tree Hill.  A music tryst, a psycho nanny, multiple brushes with death, the fact that Nathan was a total butthead in the beginning, parental deaths and two kids later, they survived and their love was strong as ever.  As a woman we relate because we want to believe in the fairy tale, we want to believe that there is actually a happily ever after that wasn't orchestrated by Walt Disney.  We want to believe that a male can be faitful all those years, that he can love you so much his own dreams come second.  Couples actually do compromise and sacrifice for each other. Naley sucks you in by taking you on the entire ride with them from first meeting through high school, marriage, pregnancy, parenthood and the feels are there you laugh with them, smile with them, cry with them, grow with them, and that is why Naley will always be relationship goals.

What if.......You fell in love with a convicted felon, a la Sarah Tancredi.   Who would have ever thought I could become pulled in by felons, prison and being on the run?  Prison Break completely took me out of my drama comfort zone.  Doesn't take a genius to guess what appeals to us as females, everyone wants to love the bad boy trying to do what is right, Michael and Sarah are the current day Robin Hood and Maid Marian of sorts, thanks again Walt.  We relate because it was love at first sight, because they both had been without parents the majority of their lives and needed each other, because he is willing to do whatever it takes for her as she is him, because the promise of  "one day", because there is never a perfect time to meet your soul mate.   Prison Break's King and Queen makes us want to believe in complete selflessness and sacrifice for love, we want to believe that regardless of what curves the road ahead may have love doesn't have to die.  Inmates in love, a great love story, how's that for outside the box. 

Leave it to Netflix to allow us that reprieve needed some day's to step outside of who we are and picture ourselves as more dramatic, more exciting people, to give us that escape from the everyday.  For a small fee each month we have all these characters  at the tip of our fingers just pulling us in.  Fiction, that's all it is, but it's okay to use your imagination from time to time to be Olivia Pope, Haley James Scott or Sarah Tancredi,  because deep down at one point every female can relate to a little part of each one of these ladies, we desire to be more like each one of these ladies, regardless if we want to admit it or not.

Blowing Out the Old Flame.....365 Days to a better Me

Recently I just celebrated my 34th birthday, my daughter will soon be 11, I have no clue where time has gone?  Just yesterday I was playing in the mud, playing kickball outside, worried about how many more days of school was left this year, now those activities and worries are replaced by paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning house and worrying about if my family has food on the table and clean clothes.  We couldn't wait to grow up and now I realize how overrated adulthood really is.  My point is - the passing of my birthday has me reflecting, reflecting on my life - what it is - what I thought it should be - what I could do to be a better person. So I have decided that within the next year, I am taking some time to work on me. 

How did I get here?  How did I become this person?  Is this the person I want to be? I do not know if there are right an wrong answers to these questions, heck how many questions in this life really are cut and dry?  Trying to grow up to fast is how I got here, how did I become this person, I don't know - is this the person I want to be - I can answer that one easy....no.  The only person who can change who you are is, well you so I am issuing a challenge to myself - 365 days to a better me. 

My life hasn't been a bed of roses, don't get me wrong, it hasn't been horrible either; however, I have been through quite a bit in my 34 years on this earth and maybe those negative experiences have taken a toll on my faith in mankind, the goodness in the world.  I would give anything to view the world through the eyes of a child, the bad stuff isn't as easily seen, young eyes tend to see only the good.  Through good and bad I have grown as a person so I wouldn't have the strength I have today without them. 

Working on my fitness --- It's not about weight loss; although heaven knows I could use it.  My weight has yo-yo'd all my life.  It's not about what I look like, it's about how I feel.  Experience has taught me that when I have better habits, I feel better and I deal with adversity better and I have enough adversity for all of us.  Activity is a must, so I will exercise more, get out and walk, lift some weights, take a spinning class, maybe learn to kick box.  I know that some days I could do some damage to a punching bag.  Water, I hate it but I vow to learn to love it and give up on those things that are so bad for my body like soda and processed foods. 

Don't Stop Believing  - Writing  has always been a passion of mine, and I do find time to blog every now and then, but I want to do it more.  I am not always the best at conveying my thoughts and feelings verbally; however, given paper and pen it seems like it just flows for me.  My childhood dream was to be a writer, maybe it will happen someday. The thing is when we lose our dreams we lose part of ourselves, we kill our inner child that we should always hang on to.  I will find 8 year old Misty again and the fact that this year the Jem and the Holograms Movie will be released will only spur my fight to find the child in me. 

Who says you can't go home again - My grandmother can cook, you won't meet anyone who doesn't just love her peanut butter fudge. She ran a restaurant and single handily cooked for an entire community five days a week.   I have tried over and over again to duplicate her fudge recipe and failed, it doesn't matter if I use the exact brand of everything she uses, it just never tastes the same.  To me, there is no better smell in the world than a holiday morning at my Granny's house, in college it was honestly one of my favorite parts of going home, that smell, my granny's cooking means home, it means comfort, it means safe. I want Alex to feel that way about our home, I want to create an environment so welcoming, so comforting that she can't wait to visit when she's older.  Plus, teasing her about measurements by saying "a little of this" "a pinch of that" and "a dash of that" instead of actual measuring terms will be so much fun, I can only imagine how much fun Granny had with that. 

That's so cliché   - I read more than I do anything else. Keeping your brain sharp is very important and if life has taught me one thing it is that you can never learn enough about anything.   So yes, my Kindle is full of romance novels and sports biographies but that's not all I read, I read blogs every day, work requires me to read health related and billing articles every day but I want to appreciate the classics.  I have never read Jane Eyre nor Pride and Prejudice, which is a shame as much as I read, everyone should read the classics.  I want to read the classics, I want to read biographies about the leader I want to be.  I don't want to be the cliché, I want to learn all I can for as long as I can about everything.

Take Chances --- All of my life I have traveled the easy path, the road most seem to travel, I won't call it the straight and narrow, because I am just not so sure that it exists anymore; which leads me to believe that it may be time to take the road less traveled.  I just went white water rafting for the first time with my family this year, it was exhilarating and refreshing.  Do more things that put butterflies in my stomach, hiking, zip lining more roller coasters - that's living life to the fullest and that is what I plan on doing.  Set out to do something that will test all my ability, strength and patience  and see it through regardless of how long it takes me.

I want to be Dis-connected ---- Be honest, what is the first thing you reach for in the morning, and the last thing you touched at night?  I can't lie, my phone or kindle is practically glued to my side.  As technology has changed our lives we have changed how we treat people.  Texts during meals, scrolling Facebook while sitting in waiting rooms, etc....by becoming more connected we have actually became disconnected from our real lives and as human beings. Sadly sometimes your Facebook followers may know more about what is happening in your life than you may know what is actually happening in your own families lives and you share a roof with them.  I am so guilty of this, I can't even act like I am not.  I will pick more time to become disconnected from objects and connected to my loved ones.

I am sorry - hardest phrase in the English language. --- Hardest lesson ever learned in life, people aren't always who you think they are and their intentions aren't always good.  The world is full of spiteful, mean people who will wrong you.  The list of people who wrong you, people who betray throughout life can be long and endless, you can't control this, what you can control is how you react to it.  It's not our place to judge, I like to make it a point to always try to place myself in the their shoes, try to sympathize that they may haven't always had it good, that they may not know better.  The quote about people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  Some people don't make the journey with you and that is okay.  I will try to forgive those who have wronged me, I can't vow to forget but I can vow to forgive.  Forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you.  Letting go frees you, and when you can do this under the most dire circumstances it means this jaded world hasn't made you completely bitter. 

"Was I really going that fast officer?"   --- Yes, that's me, the chick squealing into the parking lot at 10:00 AM on the dot for the 10:00 AM meeting.  My father-in-law once said I would be late for my own funeral, he's a wise man.  Punctuality is my kryptonite, along with bread and TV drama's but that is a story for another day.  Trust me, I have every intention of being there with 15 minutes to spare, it just never seems to happen.  I am that chick halfway dressed (but decent) running out the front door and maybe putting on mascara as I drive down I-64.  My lateness has become such constant that it is a running joke in my family. I want to prove them wrong that I can be counted on to be there with time to spare.

Don't Worry Be Happy - Catchy little tune, and lets just be honest at sometime you thought there was no man any better looking than Tom Cruise in Cocktail.  Lastly, I want to quit worrying and just take in the here and now, appreciate the little moments, the laughter me, my husband and daughter share, an inside joke with one of my friends and the hilarity that we know something no one else does. - I want to remember all the good times and vow to have more of them.

It seems like somewhere along the way I have lost myself, maybe not my whole self but part of myself.  And I hope within the next year I figure out who I am.  I guess maybe my way of challenging myself is posting this for all to see, that maybe in some weird way it will make me be more accountable in my actions, because one thing is for sure I want to be a wife, mother and friend that people can be proud of - a person that I can be proud of.  I know she's out there, and I know that is who I am meant to be.

To the Other....

Don't let the title fool you,  it's the oldest trick; reading a book by it's cover.  Brutal honesty, no one likes it but everyone claims that they want it.  My ten year old has this saying and she uses it often "this isn't a bakery, we don't sugarcoat", I hope she never changes; however I do hope she implies her wit in the right and respectful manner. 

In today's society mixed families ( not sure that is the politically correct term but it's what I am going with ) are more common than the traditional "Clever" clan, and let's not even get me started on my opinion of June cleaning toilets in a dress, apron and heels, oh how I miss the simple days of black and white television.  Mom and dad don't always live in the same house, same city or even same state for that matter, a child may have a brother at mom's house, a sister at dad's house or be the only child at mom's and vice versa.  Adaptation to these situations aren't always easy and the little fact that seems to often get lost in translation is that kids don't ask to be put in these positions yet we throw them in there and expect them to just keep swimming. 

Living this can be a challenge, I take my role as "mom" very seriously, I mean why shouldn't I?  This is one of the most important roles I will ever have in life.  As it should be for all Mom's, Dad's, Step-Mother's and Step-Fathers - little eyes are watching you, medium size eyes are watching you, heck grown eyes are watching you, studying you, mirroring you.  How you react when adversity hits, how you treat someone who has wronged you, how you act within the hardest times, you're a role model at least to the child in your home.  That little nugget of information is often forgotten. 



I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to be a step-parent, I see the struggles with this responsibility daily, not personally, but I watch my husband daily.  First let me say, he totally rocks this whole step-dad thing, he and my daughter have this bond that ah-maz-ing and I may or may not be jealous at times, ha.  I refuse to paint you the perfect picture because my household is not "Cleverish" in the least, every day is a struggle, a circus and utter madness, we rush out the door to make it to school on time, during basketball season we rarely set down for a homemade meal together, but we make it work and try to smile while doing it . Watching him struggle sometimes is hard, I won't pretend to know how he feels, but he works through it with the most patience and grace possible. He has never once has made our daughter feel that she was not his, that just because she doesn't have the same last name that is on our mailbox  this is anything less than her home. 

So, back to the title,

To the "other woman or man" ......

As the parent of an innocent child thrown into our "mixed" families I ask that you remember that they didn't ask for this, more than likely this situation resulted from adults who didn't make good decisions or lacked the work ethic and faith it takes to make things work. I ask that you realize that this child feels unwelcomed in your home at times, even if you haven't done anything to indicate that, that they feel not a part because they're not there full time, that when you reference family - you include them too.  Please remember before you speak that there are some things that should not be discussed in front of them, that all they want is a place, no make that a relationship in their parents life and in their siblings life too. Please remember that BOTH their mom and dad are some sort of hero's to them so when you make derogatory comments about them it only sets you up to be the villain in their eyes.  I ask that you always be honest with them, even when it's hard, inconvenient and doesn't paint you in the best light.  I ask that you remember that life isn't always fair and that some day you may find yourself in my position worrying about your child, think about how you would want the "other woman/man" to treat your flesh and blood, the biggest part of your heart?




Please consider it a privilege that you have been chosen to be part of a child's life. Please be their friend, their cheerleader, their voice of reason, make them feel special, make them feel a part of things, support their decisions and please should something ever happen to their biological parent fill that void the best you can without trying to replace them.

The biggest responsibility we are ever given is raising a child, its more than a job. Think of it as if you were placed there for a reason the role you play be it villain or superhero, the place you have in their life, the impact you have and how your character is revealed,  well that's totally up to you.

He Didn't Have to be....but he Wanted to be

Titles....most of them mean something, carry some kind of reverence, sense of accomplishment, sense of pride because ultimately its something we have worked for, right?  Sadly this is not always the case.  I am a wife, mother, sister, friend and healthcare professional among many other things, I wear each of these titles with a badge of honor, I have earned them; however, just mothering a child doesn't necessarily make me a mother, just as fathering a child doesn't make you a Dad. 

Suppose it is the upcoming holiday to celebrate fathers is what popped  this thought to the forefront of my mind, maybe it is the situation my daughter and I live in every day or maybe it is just the fact that this day seems to bring more melancholy than happiness to me. I have a dad, I love him, although our relationship is more in the past tense, not sure who's fault that is, mine or his; I would like to think I did everything I could to salvage our relationship. Father's day isn't the only day of the year I miss him, I miss him everyday, the person he used to be, maybe the person I used to be too. 

Every June on this specified Sunday, designated to celebrate fathers,  for the past 9 or so years, and the hole in my heart aches a little worse.  For the man who was more like a father to me than I could have ever asked for, for the first man who stole my heart, for the man who taught me about the good and bad in the world, for the man who loved me and my brother no matter how much we messed up...there will never be another man on this earth like my Papaw Paul Ray.  He went home to be with the Lord over 9 years ago, and I miss him more everyday.   People like to say that dealing with the absence of a loved one gets easier, I don't agree with that, you just develop your own way of dealing with it.  When asked about my grandfather I can't tell a story or speak without a smile on my face.  More than anything I love to tell my 10 year old daughter about him, he was only around for the first 2 years of her life but I am grateful for what little time she did get with him. 

With the enormous amount of curve balls life seems to want to throw at me lately, I would give anything to walk into the front door of my old home, walk to the right to find him sitting in his chair, flop down on the couch in a dramatic fashion that only those in the family can display, and pour my heart out.  And once I have dramatically explained all my problems with over exaggerated hand gestures and sighs, he would smile and simply say "these things have a way of working themselves out".  He didn't give me solutions, he didn't get upset at others involved, he didn't try to tell me what to do, he didn't judge, he just listened and for some strange reason that made everything okay.  I walked out of the room feeling a thousand pounds lighter. More than anything I miss his willingness to just listen, I don't have that anymore, someone to just listen without reaction.  He wasn't given the title of my father, he earned it, he was there for me when no one else was, he listened and didn't judge, he support all my dreams and held me when I cried, he always looked out for me regardless of how I felt about him doing it, he didn't care to call me out when I was wrong and praise me when I done good, he earned the title of father for me.

I remarried when my daughter was 2, not only was I blessed to find a man, who loved me unconditionally, he loves my daughter more than that.  He stepped into a role, took it on headfirst and dove in as both husband and step dad.  He's been thrown up on, changed diapers, played horsey, he survived potty training, the first day of kindergarten, her first organized sports teams, he has been there for any major life event - all because he wanted to be.  I don't know where my daughter would be today without him and I must admit that I get a little jealous of their bond sometimes, they just click. The amount of sacrifices he has made so we can provide the very best opportunities for her, he didn't have to do that.  The time he takes to check on former and current basketball players almost daily, making sure they are succeeding not only on the court but in life, the fact that he cares long after their playing days are over.  Alex and I have both been beyond blessed that we found this man, in a weird way I think my Papaw may have sent him to us, to make the hole in my heart a little smaller.

A man, who continually looks out for children, providing guidance and just being there for them, with their true best interest at heart.  A man who would do without so he could provide.  A man who sets a standard that he can be reached out to without any question at any time just to talk or just to be there.  A man who loves with his whole heart, reaches out to a child regardless of their situation, believes in them no matter what, always strives to reach the best part of them - that is what a dad is supposed to be.  I have been fortunate enough to know two men like that in my life and dad is a title they both have earned, it wasn't given.  

And What Do You Get if You Win???

Keep your eye on the prize - great motivational words.  Why is it that we seem to be more determined to work on things that may not have a prize in sight?  What is the prize for worrying about what everyone else thinks?  What is the prize for keeping up an appearance? And another important question, who made you the judge anyway?  

What do I get if my outfit is more trendy? My car is newer?  My house is nicer?  Will they write that on my headstone when I am long gone?  Is that what someone will remember about me?  I hope that I have offered this world more and that the best thing someone can say about when giving my eulogy isn't "she really had a nice car", if that is the only imprint I can leave, I need a do-over immediately.

 We have this weird twisted way of turning everything into a contest based solely on the fact that we are beyond concerned with what everyone thinks.  IT DOESN'T MATTER what everyone thinks - hardest lesson I have ever learned in my life.  Want to hear a secret?  It doesn't matter what you wear or drive, where you live or what you do - if people want to talk about you, they're going to find something to talk about or they're going to make something up, its inevitable - gossip will always be just that...gossip. 

So quit stressing if you are in Wal-Mart dressed in sweats with no make-up (is there any other to go?  If I was all cleaned up and said I was going to Wal-Mart my husband would ask me where I was really going, ha) just go get your shop on.  Who cares if your house is messy and a friend stops by unannounced - enjoy the visit and the fact that someone wanted to take time out to stop and see you. And here's a tip, a real friend will not leave your house and make a comment to another friend about the hurricane they just exited.  Wear last summer's fashion and own the room when you walk into it, confidence never goes out of style.  Advertise the fact that your favorite article of clothing just happened to come from the discount store or yard sale and how cheap it was when you made said purchase.  Embrace the few pounds you may be packing around from winter, who gets to decide that Barbie was the perfect woman anyway?  Barbie is boring.  

We worry so much about what others think, we make our own lives a story, almost like we are playing a character. How much do you want to bet that over half the status updates we see on Facebook are somewhat fictional?  I'm not saying that Jane Doe is lying when she posts -
          
          "What a wonderful day for my children to play outside and eat dinner on the deck"

I am just simply implying that seven out of ten times that is the edited version put out there because that is how we want to be perceived.  Be honest, when you read that status you want to be envious, the perfect family time, right?  Who knew June Clever still existed and all that jazz. Now, if we weren't worried about perception the post would read -

          "Sending the kids outside to play; because I may pull my turning grey hair out if I don't get
           just five minutes of silence.  We are eating outside tonight because my kitchen table isn't
           visible due to the stacks of mail and whatever else the husband and kids have thrown on it"

We even put on an act for the internet because we are so fixated on what people will think, how we will be perceived, when in the end - it's not going to have mattered anyway, there is no trophy for everyone liking you and always thinking you are the most put together. Plus, I guarantee some people could take the most innocent Facebook status and make it into a huge scandal anyway, I am talking like "Days of our Lives" drama, from a simple sentence, it happens.  The next time you have phone in hand posting your status and you are composing the perfect status, stop, take a chance, be a rebel and post what you're really thinking.  It can be freeing.

Hard truth - people are either going to like you or they're not, simple as that. You cannot control what people think. It has nothing to do with you going out of the house without make-up on, the fact that you are not carrying a brand name purse, if your car is expensive and your house a mansion or a doublewide. Would these things make you treat a person differently, they shouldn't.  People put so much effort into keeping up an appearance and doing things for show while there is no prize in the end and I can just about guarantee you didn't escape the rumor mill either. So all that effort and energy you put into this appearance you've created.....wasted.



I will repeat it - HARDEST LESSON I have ever learned!  Life becomes much simpler when you focus on you and quit worrying about if your outfit is as nice as all the others in the room with you or you look as intelligent and just be you, that is who you were destined to be anyway.  Rock your crazy like it is going out of style because being normal is boring.  And when this thing called life is looked back on you will realize that, the people who really care, who really love you and want to be in your life don't care and don't compare you to others, they see you, the real you, not the façade you have created in fear of what others think. Seems like we get a better prize to just be ourselves and drop the act, we get those who love us unconditionally.

The Best I Could do....and That's All You Can Do

My to do list for work isn't completed, there are dirty dishes in my sink ready for the dishwasher as soon as I manage to empty the clean ones (if I actually remembered to turn it on yesterday), my laundry baskets are flowing over and do not even get me started on my personal to do list for today...I can't remember where I put it (like that 2 mile jog/fast paced walk was really gonna happen anyway).  Yet here I am, typing away when there are so many other things I should be doing....but that's the thing, SHOULD I be doing them, who made that rule?

Really what kind of accomplishment is it to say, I DID everything today I planned, when you sacrifice little moments in life that means so much, what do we really gain from going at warp speed?  Ferris Bueller had it right..."Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in awhile you might miss it", the kid was genius and not just because he has the most infamous skip day ever.  For those of you reading that do not know this movie reference, please refrain from feeling the need to enlighten on that, no one needs to be reminded of their age, ha.  Point blank it's this, we try to cram so much into our daily routines we often become to stressed or rushed to enjoy those moments that matter.  We miss too much trying to do too much.

I no longer want to be the Mom in the gym that has that has to give her daughter that sheepish look when she asks "mom did you see me hit that shot?" because I was too engrossed in my Blackberry trying to cross just one more thing off that "to do list" for today. In actuality those memories are what going to matter at the end, not if I responded to an email or viewed a spreadsheet, those things will be waiting in the morning, this moment will not be....it'll be gone. You blink and years of missed moments will accumulate.....maybe it's time to put the "to do lists" to rest or make them more realistic. 

Tonight, I spent twenty minutes dancing around the kitchen with my ten year old, very badly might I add, that wasn't on my list, in a minute I will probably cuddle up in my favorite corner of the couch and watch the Women's NCAA Championship (because I couldn't bring myself to watch most of the men's game last night - ha) and listen to my husband officiate and coach the game from the couch - yet again another thing that isn't on my to do list.  I will remember the smile on my daughters face while we danced and she pretended to rap and the laugh of my husband when I ask another ridiculous ( to him anyway) basketball question, what I won't remember is sacrificing these moments to just mark another item off the list. 

Below is my one of my favorite quotes from a book I read,  I often find myself thinking of how true it really is -


Everyone in my home is fed today, has clean clothes to put on tomorrow and we have a respectable roof over our head and you can somewhat walk through the house, ha - the lists of things to do for work and home can wait, I am busy making memories....I did the best I could do today to get everything done and in reality isn't that all we are really trying to do, the best we can. 

What is Enough???

We have to acknowledge sometimes that this moment is enough.  This place is enough. I am enough.....SMK

More, more, more....someone is always wanting more. Today is one of those days when I want to have a full on 16 year old temper tantrum, you know the kind I am talking about, I want to stomp down the hallway loudly with my shoes on, slam the door to my bedroom, throw a few stuffed animals at the wall and once my adrenaline has came crashing down ball myself up into the fetal position on my bed and cry myself to sleep. Nothing is ever good enough, there isn't a correct answer in my head, not a task complete timely and I can't solve all the dramatic issues of my 10 year old.  I need a do over day. 

Why isn't it good enough?  In our society it has just become standard to always want more.  Give me Give me.  Give me.  Take. Take. Take.  What happened to just be happy with what you have?  Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we shouldn't strive for more, to become the best version of ourselves - we should.  I just think we lose sight along the way and the need to better ourselves can sometimes turn to this weird form of greed and jealously.  I think some of the best advice my late grandfather ever gave me was to only worry about what is going on with me, not what is going on with everyone else. 

I have to admit, in my younger years, I always compared myself to others asking the age old questions...what do they have that I don't? Why can't I do that?  And even though men want to deny it, this is not something that only females do.  Men size each other up just as much as women do and this behavior is leaking over to our children.  My 10 year old already worries way too much about what the other kids in her class are doing and I find myself repeatedly saying " you worry about you" - when did everything even something as miniscule as what kind of eraser you have become a competition - who cares if she has the scented erasers and big deal if they smell like strawberries (which bums me out cause we never had that stuff when I was 10) - you worry about you.

This morning I woke up with a roof over my head, in a warm house and all my family members are accounted for - shouldn't that be enough?  When I walk into the kitchen I should just be grateful there is something there to eat even if it isn't specifically the granola I want.  What it boils down too is that success has an opposite effect sometimes, the more successful we are the more we want, the more we get the more we want materially. Guilty as charged right here - I do all of this too and I need to stop.  Material possessions are nice and all but we don't always need new once the sparkle has faded.  If today's society put as much time into improving ourselves and doing "me" work as we do into wanting more our children will reap the benefits as much as we will. 

Just strive to be our best and appreciate when we are afforded the best.