Growing up a teenage girl in today’s society, especially in high school, is not easy. There are so many people we try to please and impress, even though the strong women in our lives preach to us not to. Every girl has THAT boy, just like Superman has his Kryptonite. I’m talking about THAT boy you would wait for after a football game in the rain, only to find out he would be snap chatting a girl the next day. The boy who you would stay up late for, and do anything you could to help them. Apparently, my best wasn’t good enough for you, and I’m still coming to terms with that, and trying to make peace with it.
When the relationship started, it was all sunshine and rainbows. But, as you know, most things are probably too good to be true. I guess my question is this: Why? Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Did you think you were too good for me? I’m still confused about this, and until you give me an answer, I probably always will be. This just doesn’t seem fair to me. I practically wasted 9 months of my life on someone who just wanted the title of having a “girlfriend.”
Was it because of who I was? I can’t help that. I don’t understand why you would get mad at me for trying to better myself at the sport I love. I can not replace my hobbies to satisfy your needs. That’s not only a disadvantage to me, but too much greatness for you to deserve for me.
My Step Dad has coached boys basketball for as long as I can remember, and I grew up in a gym. Matter of fact, my first word was “Ball”. I grew up with the game, I grew up with the boys that come and went. By no means was I attracted to them; they were and are like siblings and friends to me. For you to get mad over this is absolutely insane. Obviously I wanted you, or I wouldn’t have put up with so much and honestly, I can’t blame you for your actions, It’s you’re personality. You’re protective of people you love, and there’s nothing wrong with that, that’s a great quality to have. If you couldn’t trust me that much, then why didn’t you end the relationship before it got too far and I got attached?
By no means was I a perfect girlfriend. Heck, I probably wasn’t even a good one. I tried for you, I really did. I dropped friends, unfollowed people, and changed my whole schedule for you. That took some guts. After all, I have been an only child my entire life and I’ll be the first one to admit: I’m selfish. For you, I tired to work through this. I guess you gave me a new perspective on the way I look at things. I was looking out for you first when I planned my weekly schedule I planned around you, I thought of how things would effect you first, I worried about you first and so on. I guess I kind of lost Myself when I was looking for you.
I really hope your family is doing okay. I’m not going to lie, I miss them. Your mom was one of my favorite people in the world. She treated me like I was one of her own, and I was comfortable around her. I know she raised you amazingly, so it shocked me when you acted out like this. You grew close to my family, too. In fact, they still ask about you. I don’t know how to react, so, “he’s fine” has become a pretty common statement at family events. Because, truthfully I don’t know how you are.
What bothers me the most is that you felt like you had to lie and go behind my back on a lot of things. I may be dramatic, but I understood your reasoning for a lot of things. You’re smarter than people give you credit for. You could have came to me first, but you went to her and because of this, I question myself more. I’m not delusional, I understood that you had friends that were girls, just like I had friends that were boys, but to me, you always came first.
Not only did this the breakup hurt when we first ended it, it still hurts now, but the pain is different. I ask myself “am I going to find another one of you?” I know I will, but I am impatient. I question myself on the way I act, the things I do, and practically everything else. Because once the all the lies are exposed, the true feelings are aired and you get told everything that you didn’t want to hear, gets pretty tough. “Why am I not good enough?” is still a common question in my mind, thanks to you.
I thought writing this would help me get my frustration, anger, sadness and all the feelings out, because it seems they have only increased for the past 3 weeks or so. The questions are growing louder, and I’m starting to find answers I didn’t want to know. By no means am I “okay” with how things ended, but do I have a choice not to be? Things get easier, day by day, and I find new ways to cope with things, and just as I have; I hope you have, too. I wish you well. Honestly, I probably brought a lot of the pain on myself by expecting too much of you. I hope the girl you date next is perfect for you, because apparently I wasn’t.
This is the last page in this chapter of my life, and even though things did not turn out the way I
hoped they would, I want to thank you for the portion you played. Thank you for pushing me to be my best, even if you’re way of pushing me was different. Thank you for being my first real boyfriend. Not matter where life goes, you nor I can take back those 9 months, which were the best (and worst) times of my life so far. So thank you, truly. I’m no longer trying to replace you, I’m moving on and someone is out there who will appreciate me, just being me.
“It’s not clear what I need yet, but it’s clear it’s not you.”
