As the crocodile tears stream down her sometimes innocent, all the time cute little face she mumbles “this doesn’t look right, I am fat” – and just like that my childhood comes rushing back. Quick I say to her “No you are not fat, why on earth would you say that?” I mean really, my 11 year old is concerned with her appearance this much? Can we please rewind to yesterday when it was a fight to get her to wear actual clothes to school and not sweat pants and a basketball jersey? Let me add though, she rocks those jersey’s like nobody’s business, but I may be a little bias. Where was this coming from? I thought we were past this? It was just about a month ago when we had this same conversation before school one morning, today was worse though, she was really really upset. I asked her “What makes you think you’re fat?” Her reply “this shirt is too tight on my arms and because they just say I am.” Ah ha – THEY – I remember them fondly and THEY usually end up being one or two individuals. THEY can be pretty mean and make you feel pretty bad about yourself too. I proceeded to give her my pep talk “Who are THEY? And what gives them the right to decide who is fat and who is not?” I proceed to walk around the house showing the little one pictures of herself and the radiant smile only she can pull off and I say “you see this little girl, this little girl isn’t worried about what THEY say, she is only worried about having fun and being a kid – Do not let what THEY say take this little girl away” My daughter looked up at me with little tears in her eyes and smiled a little, although I could tell she was just being courteous at my attempt at a life affirming pep talk.
After I dropped her off at school my heartache grew, now this is the part of being a kid I do not miss and this is also the part of being a mom that is the worst. Helplessness is something a mother, a parent never wants to feel and this is one of those times, we can’t always fight battles for them. In my mind I start to connect pieces, some of the things that my daughter had said at home recently, some of the things that she had been doing – apparently this thing with THEY had been going on for longer than I thought. Immediately I am furious with myself, how could I not see this? How could I not have noticed how many times she had asked me what size clothes she wore, if the snack she was eating was healthy and how much is a 11 year-old supposed to weigh? Her little wheels in that beautiful head had been turning regarding this topic for weeks. Again there I am, my 6 grade self standing crying because someone had written a nasty note about how big I was – but that was 6th grade, she is in 5th, things definitely have changed.
When I was little my mom used to tell me “honey you’re not fat, you’re just big-boned”, funny right? What makes it even funnier is that I believed her. My daughter is too quick witted for me to break that old school one out on her, I have to be more clever.
I believe there is a difference between being bullied and being teased. I think society has put such an emphasis on bullying today that we have lost touch with what it really is. For the record I do not think my daughter is being bullied. Kids can just be mean sometimes and say the most hurtful things, mine included. It doesn’t mean they are bad kids.
After the teasing and tears I went through as a youngster I have made it a priority to teach my child about how hurtful words can be and how important it is to think before you speak because words last forever, and that even if something mean is said to you, it doesn’t mean you should say something nasty back even though you want too. All parents may not share my opinion and thats fine. I read an interesting article the other day about a female struggling with her weight and it makes more sense now that I can apply it to real life. The author said – “mom you should not always be talking about how fat you are or that you need to lose weight. Your daughters are watching you and if they don’t learn to love themselves from the female figure they see every day society wins”. I have got to start doing better with that, set a more positive example about acceptance with who you are. Even if I am on a diet or when I get frustrated when jeans don’t fit, I need to keep the negative comments about myself in check, “mommy watches what she eats because she wants to be healthy and have more energy” as apposed to “I have got to lose some weight”. Society has such a stronghold on perceptions these days, it is almost as if they think we have forgotten to think for ourselves. I want my daughter to know that being different is remarkable and being unique is a quality everyone would love to have. God makes everyone special. I want my little one to know that THEY do not decide how her life is lived, if she looks good or what kind of person she is, SHE does – everyone must learn to love themself. Of course I am sure it is going to be easy to get a 11 year-old to understand this, heck I am in my 30’s and I still struggle with this stuff.
The fact of the matter is that – THEY will always be around, someone will always want to tear you down. So as a parent and a mother to my daughter I feel like I need to just keep reinforcing that, even if I have to do it every morning as she is putting on clothes for school or even if THEY say something about the way she is dressed or her weight everyday. Because as bad as this mamma wants to muzzle THEY, it’s not an option and I want my daughter to know that once she starts letting on that THEY do not bother her and that THEY do not get to decide how she feels that is when THEY lose all their power over her. We should always know what kind of power we have over our own lives, we get to decide how we look, how we feel or what we think THEY DO NOT.
I want my daughter to know that she is one of a kind, smart, witty and beautiful. THEY may say differently but THEY do not get the last say, in the famous words of Marilyn Monroe “Be your own kind of Beautiful”.
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