He Didn't Have to be....but he Wanted to be

Titles....most of them mean something, carry some kind of reverence, sense of accomplishment, sense of pride because ultimately its something we have worked for, right?  Sadly this is not always the case.  I am a wife, mother, sister, friend and healthcare professional among many other things, I wear each of these titles with a badge of honor, I have earned them; however, just mothering a child doesn't necessarily make me a mother, just as fathering a child doesn't make you a Dad. 

Suppose it is the upcoming holiday to celebrate fathers is what popped  this thought to the forefront of my mind, maybe it is the situation my daughter and I live in every day or maybe it is just the fact that this day seems to bring more melancholy than happiness to me. I have a dad, I love him, although our relationship is more in the past tense, not sure who's fault that is, mine or his; I would like to think I did everything I could to salvage our relationship. Father's day isn't the only day of the year I miss him, I miss him everyday, the person he used to be, maybe the person I used to be too. 

Every June on this specified Sunday, designated to celebrate fathers,  for the past 9 or so years, and the hole in my heart aches a little worse.  For the man who was more like a father to me than I could have ever asked for, for the first man who stole my heart, for the man who taught me about the good and bad in the world, for the man who loved me and my brother no matter how much we messed up...there will never be another man on this earth like my Papaw Paul Ray.  He went home to be with the Lord over 9 years ago, and I miss him more everyday.   People like to say that dealing with the absence of a loved one gets easier, I don't agree with that, you just develop your own way of dealing with it.  When asked about my grandfather I can't tell a story or speak without a smile on my face.  More than anything I love to tell my 10 year old daughter about him, he was only around for the first 2 years of her life but I am grateful for what little time she did get with him. 

With the enormous amount of curve balls life seems to want to throw at me lately, I would give anything to walk into the front door of my old home, walk to the right to find him sitting in his chair, flop down on the couch in a dramatic fashion that only those in the family can display, and pour my heart out.  And once I have dramatically explained all my problems with over exaggerated hand gestures and sighs, he would smile and simply say "these things have a way of working themselves out".  He didn't give me solutions, he didn't get upset at others involved, he didn't try to tell me what to do, he didn't judge, he just listened and for some strange reason that made everything okay.  I walked out of the room feeling a thousand pounds lighter. More than anything I miss his willingness to just listen, I don't have that anymore, someone to just listen without reaction.  He wasn't given the title of my father, he earned it, he was there for me when no one else was, he listened and didn't judge, he support all my dreams and held me when I cried, he always looked out for me regardless of how I felt about him doing it, he didn't care to call me out when I was wrong and praise me when I done good, he earned the title of father for me.

I remarried when my daughter was 2, not only was I blessed to find a man, who loved me unconditionally, he loves my daughter more than that.  He stepped into a role, took it on headfirst and dove in as both husband and step dad.  He's been thrown up on, changed diapers, played horsey, he survived potty training, the first day of kindergarten, her first organized sports teams, he has been there for any major life event - all because he wanted to be.  I don't know where my daughter would be today without him and I must admit that I get a little jealous of their bond sometimes, they just click. The amount of sacrifices he has made so we can provide the very best opportunities for her, he didn't have to do that.  The time he takes to check on former and current basketball players almost daily, making sure they are succeeding not only on the court but in life, the fact that he cares long after their playing days are over.  Alex and I have both been beyond blessed that we found this man, in a weird way I think my Papaw may have sent him to us, to make the hole in my heart a little smaller.

A man, who continually looks out for children, providing guidance and just being there for them, with their true best interest at heart.  A man who would do without so he could provide.  A man who sets a standard that he can be reached out to without any question at any time just to talk or just to be there.  A man who loves with his whole heart, reaches out to a child regardless of their situation, believes in them no matter what, always strives to reach the best part of them - that is what a dad is supposed to be.  I have been fortunate enough to know two men like that in my life and dad is a title they both have earned, it wasn't given.