Guest Post: I Guess I Kind of Lost Myself Looking Out for you

Y’all - my baby girl can write.  I’ve always known we are a lot alike, it appears we express ourselves the same way too - with our words.  So here’s a guest post from my Mini Me who is maturing everyday and discovering a little more about who exactly she is everyday in this crazy world. I am so proud of the young woman she’s becoming and I’m even more proud of her for being honest and being real about what it’s like to be 14 these days.

I Guess I Kind of Lost Myself When I was Looking for you

Growing up a teenage girl in today’s society, especially in high school, is not easy. There are so many people we try to please and impress, even though the strong women in our lives preach to us not to. Every girl has THAT boy, just like Superman has his Kryptonite. I’m talking about THAT boy you would wait for after a football game in the rain, only to find out he would be snap chatting a girl the next day. The boy who you would stay up late for, and do anything you could to help them. Apparently, my best wasn’t good enough for you, and I’m still coming to terms with that, and trying to make peace with it.

When the relationship started, it was all sunshine and rainbows. But, as you know, most things are probably too good to be true. I guess my question is this: Why? Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Did you think you were too good for me? I’m still confused about this, and until you give me an answer, I probably always will be. This just doesn’t seem fair to me. I practically wasted 9 months of my life on someone who just wanted the title of having a “girlfriend.”

Was it because of who I was? I can’t help that. I don’t understand why you would get mad at me for trying to better myself at the sport I love. I can not replace my hobbies to satisfy your needs. That’s not only a disadvantage to me, but too much greatness for you to deserve for me.

My Step Dad has coached boys basketball for as long as I can remember, and I grew up in a gym. Matter of fact, my first word was “Ball”.  I grew up with the game, I grew up with the boys that come and went. By no means was I attracted to them; they were and are like siblings and friends to me. For you to get mad over this is absolutely insane. Obviously I wanted you, or I wouldn’t have put up with so much and honestly, I can’t blame you for your actions, It’s you’re personality. You’re protective of people you love, and there’s nothing wrong with that, that’s a great quality to have. If you couldn’t trust me that much, then why didn’t you end the relationship before it got too far and I got attached?

By no means was I a perfect girlfriend. Heck, I probably wasn’t even a good one. I tried for you, I really did. I dropped friends, unfollowed people, and changed my whole schedule for you. That took some guts. After all, I have been an only child my entire life and I’ll be the first one to admit: I’m selfish. For you, I tired to work through this. I guess you gave me a new perspective on the way I look at things. I was looking out for you first when I planned my weekly schedule I planned around you, I thought of how things would effect you first, I worried about you first and so on.  I guess I kind of lost Myself when I was looking for you.

I really hope your family is doing okay. I’m not going to lie, I miss them. Your mom was one of my favorite people in the world. She treated me like I was one of her own, and I was comfortable around her. I know she raised you amazingly, so it shocked me when you acted out like this. You grew close to my family, too. In fact, they still ask about you. I don’t know how to react, so, “he’s fine” has become a pretty common statement at family events. Because, truthfully I don’t know how you are.

What bothers me the most is that you felt like you had to lie and go behind my back on a lot of things. I may be dramatic, but I understood your reasoning for a lot of things. You’re smarter than people give you credit for. You could have came to me first, but you went to her and because of this, I question myself more. I’m not delusional, I understood that you had friends that were girls, just like I had friends that were boys, but to me, you always came first.

Not only did this the breakup hurt when we first ended it, it still hurts now, but the pain is different. I ask myself “am I going to find another one of you?” I know I will, but I am impatient. I question myself on the way I act, the things I do, and practically everything else. Because once the all the lies are exposed, the true feelings are aired and you get told everything that you didn’t want to hear, gets pretty tough. “Why am I not good enough?” is still a common question in my mind, thanks to you.

I thought writing this would help me get my frustration, anger, sadness and all the feelings out, because it seems they have only increased for the past 3 weeks or so. The questions are growing louder, and I’m starting to find answers I didn’t want to know. By no means am I “okay” with how things ended, but do I have a choice not to be? Things get easier, day by day, and I find new ways to cope with things, and just as I have; I hope you have, too. I wish you well. Honestly, I probably brought a lot of the pain on myself by expecting too much of you. I hope the girl you date next is perfect for you, because apparently I wasn’t.

This is the last page in this chapter of my life, and even though things did not turn out the way I
hoped they would, I want to thank you for the portion you played. Thank you for pushing me to be my best, even if you’re way of pushing me was different. Thank you for being my first real boyfriend. Not matter where life goes, you nor I can take back those 9 months, which were the best (and worst) times of my life so far. So thank you, truly. I’m no longer trying to replace you, I’m moving on and someone is out there who will appreciate me, just being me.

“It’s not clear what I need yet, but it’s clear it’s not you.”

From the Sideline: Mistress, This Bed May not be Big Enough for Three Anymore

Dear Mistress (Basketball),

I accepted you because you brought joy to his life and great people into mine.  I applauded you because you taught me many life lessons and how to recognize those who are truly genuine and care about others. I came willingly into this marriage knowing that he had another love in his life and I would have to share his attention. That in reality, I was not his first love and I was okay with that because his passion and drive to help others was one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. I knew beforehand that most of my nights October-March would be spent in a gym, that there would be limited times we would set down to eat dinner together, that he would be at the gym more than he was at home and I accepted it, I supported it.  I jumped in head first, going to all the games, having team dinners, traveling all throughout the summer and taking part anyway I could. You, Basketball, were his passion and I wanted to support him fully. I invited you into our home with open arms, treated you like family and it wasn't long before I was cuddling to you at night too. With any relationship, I know there are going to be ups and downs, no relationship is perfect, but I have to wonder if maybe, I have been trying to hang on for us all. We may have reached the point where this bed is just not big enough for the three of us anymore.

While one of the things I admire most of my better half is his determination to succeed and his need to help others reach their dreams, it is this characteristic of his that is now keeping us all awake at night.  It seems as though, here lately, you only bring out the worst in us, you only bring heartache, stress and adversity.  I've watched you, Mistress, strip away happiness from those I love the most, dull their fire and implore me to question if there are really any good people left in the world. You have paved the way for doubts to grow, to open myself up and let this world make me bitter by showcasing the bad things only.  In the grand scheme of things I know that there are things in life that are so much bigger than you that lies between us at night, we're blessed in too many ways to name; but with that said, I can't help but maybe think you may be the catalyst for the majority of our heartache.

I miss the days of game tape, new coaching videos, hilarious text conversations, a house full of smelly boys and a young little girl just wanting to learn the game she has watched her Dad love. Those happy times have now been replaced with drawn out sighs, sleepless nights, grey hair, the constant fear of failing those around you and misplaced anger at those who mean the most and are closest to you. I long for the days of true friendships, a true feeling of team, the love of the game, the laughter and excitement in the air.

Basketball, this leaves me to wonder if we have reached an impasse, have we reached the point that I must "Go Hazard" and kick you out? Must we site irreconcilable differences and sign on the dotted line? Over the years as his Mistress you've become a large part of my life too,  you've become my family, you've brought wonderful people into my life and good memories in droves, but as of late, moods are sour, tones are harsh, expectations are fleeing and tension lives at the surface. I have to confess, I did see this coming, he tried to tell me and I didn't believe him.  I kept pushing and cheering convincing him that better days were coming, that soon he'd see something, he'd have a revelation that brought him back around to willingly being in our relationship. I had faith that the Mistress he had loved for so long, unconditionally, wouldn't completely turn her back on him, that you would remind him why he fell in love with you in the first place.  Maybe that was selfish on my part, honestly, I just wasn't ready to let you go either, I worried what would happen if you were no longer such a large part of our lives. Now, I worry what will happen if I continue to let you sleep between us at night.

So, Mistress I ask you- please show us a sign,  give me anything to ensure that I don't need to put my hair up, remove my earrings and throw hands with you.  Give me a glimpse of something indicating that the tide will change, that the good guys can win, that all his work and the work of those around him has not been for nothing. Throw some gas on that fire that seems to be fading in all this adversity, remind him of what you once had. Initially it was my intention to plea to you to prevent him from walking away from you all together, now, I just hope that you make our last days together memorable.

The truth of the matter is, YOU, Basketball, need him just as much as he needs you.  You need him to remind kids that there are still adults out there that only want what's best for them, that someone is out there with no hidden agenda and just the will to want to see them succeed.  You need him to show kids that there are people that will be in their corner long after the ball has quit bouncing. You, need him to teach kids that doing the right thing is the only way to do things. You, my dear Mistress need him to show kids how to fall in love with the game again, to remind kids that if they work hard good things happen. Take your sassy, somber, joy-stealing personality back to where you have been hiding it and bring back the happy again or this bed is just going to continue to get smaller and you may find your butt on the floor. This world brings enough of the bad stuff into our lives and I won't allow you to do the same. 🏀🏀🏀🏀