From the Sideline: Our Bench is Getting Empty

I always pictured myself with a house full of kids, I wanted a house full of kids. Unfortunately life had other plans for me and I found out a couple years after my daughter was born that more kids probably weren’t in the cards for me. Often, I like to tell Alex (our 13 year old daughter) that she literally broke the mold, ha ha – but we just accepted that our family of three was how it was meant to be. When my husband started talking about moving back to his hometown six years ago, the thought scared me to death. We lived 30 minutes from all my family members and coming from someone who lived next door to their mother and grandmother, on the same street they grew up on, for the majority of their adult life I already felt like I had moved far away from them. Stay or go, one week I was moving, the next I had cold feet and I am pretty sure at one point my husband thought he had actually married a crazy person, and after ten years of marriage I am pretty sure he knows he married one. Needless to say, eventually we actually packed up and moved. Three hours away from everything I had ever known, where I knew almost no one.

Now five and a half years later, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I am in a firm believer that you always, end up where you are intended to be and it is clear that it was meant for us to be here. Charlie has coached for as long as I have known him, he loves basketball, I often write about basketball being his Mistress. Right before we moved, I noticed his love fading, I could tell he didn’t really feel like he was helping, he didn’t feel like he was teaching, he had talked of giving up coaching. It was not long after we got settled he began coaching at his Alma Mater and although the first year was rocky, he dug in his heels and prepared for year two. It was then, in his second year that our family became bigger than three. That group of kids will forever have a special place in my heart.

What started out as a few, has now turned in to many. Our bench (Basketball family) started with some kids in 8th grade and expanded beyond the borders of our small Eastern Kentucky town. Over the course of the last five years we have added members and lost members but each and every one unique in their own right and each holding special places in my heart. It doesn’t matter if you were on the bench for one year or five, family is family that is just how I look at it. Over the course of numerous states, gyms and months I have grown to love a group of kids as if they were my own. Since this past Friday, I have watched that bench get smaller and smaller as more graduation ceremonies take place. I always thought that the next graduating class to impact me directly would have been the class of 2023, that is the year Alex will walk across that stage, I didn’t plan on the young men within this graduating class of 2018 to take some of Coach Mom’s heart when they went, but I guess that is what I get for planning.

To the parents in our basketball family: I cannot thank you enough for allowing us to be a small part of your child’s journey. We will forever be grateful that you have shared your child with us. You have allowed me to experience what it would be like to have the house of kids I had always dreamed of, even if they often left the couch smelling like "boy".  Ha Ha 

So to the basketball family in the class of 2018:

I have watched you struggle and succeed, I have witnessed you in victory and defeat. I have watched you face adversity and beat it. I have watched you grow into the young men you are by learning life lessons, mostly the hard way. I watched you comfort your Coach when he lost a loved one and I saw what it meant to him. Apparently I wasn’t there you taught Alex how to throw a punch but I did witness you take a spoiled little girl under your wing and make her a surrogate little sister regardless of how much she annoyed you. I have watched you win big trophies and make big plays. I have watched you drive out of your way just to support Alex in basketball games, I have watched you volunteer your time to help our family whenever we needed it.  I was there when you gave up your Friday nights to take Alex to a football game or let her crash your dates, I was there when you picked her up for early morning workouts or just texted her some encouragement when she needed it. I have watched your dreams come true with your commitments to play college basketball or continue your education.  I have watched you show a Coach, who thought he had lost his love for the game remind him why he does what he does by the relationships you have formed with him. I have witnessed you help a family become whole when we didn’t even know that's what we needed. And now, I will watch you move on to the next chapter in your life with a little sadness but a whole lot of happiness in my heart because we have made a family for life. Words can’t express how proud we are of you and how blessed we feel just to have been a small part of your journey. You may no longer sit on our bench, but you will always have a place at our table.

I Hope That I Haven’t Failed you

The older I get the less and less holidays are enjoyable for me. I guess I should accompany that statement with saying this first, I am one lucky girl, I’ve made so many memories and been blessed with opportunities to better myself and provide for my family, I’ve had the privilege of knowing and developing relationships with great friends, I have an amazing family both blood and not and I’ve had the amazing experience of loving others. So, I don’t want my first sentence to seem petty or ungrateful, it’s exactly the opposite - words can never express my gratitude and I’ve lost enough loved ones to know that I cannot afford to take one minute, one opportunity for granted to make memories with my loved ones, which holidays often provide. It’s just the pressure, the expectation of those singled out special days of the year that bring one more thing into the fold you have to worry about and today, Mother’s Day, is no exception. As moms, I feel like we’re under a microscope enough, the pressure to be the successful professional, the dry-cleaner, the baker, the chef, the maid, the confidant, the chauffeur and the find anything missing in less than a minute individual. It doesn’t help that the very minute we fail at one small thing it’s broadcasted to the world. Do I love being a mom? Of course I do. Do I love my daughter more than life? Absolutely. Would I trade a minute of my life? No way. Would I trade my life for hers, take the pain for her, try to keep the world from ever hurting her? Certainly. How am I doing as a mom? I’m failing and failing bad. Is it possible that I’ve tried too hard to be a good mom that it’s made me bad at it? Because that’s exactly how I feel about it today. In the world we live in today, our kids are exposed to so many things that can ultimately factor into the type of person they become, the type of adult they will be, how hard they will work. I’ve focused so much on doing so much for my daughter, I’ve spoiled her since birth and I’m realizing now that instead of making her feel loved, I’ve only made her feel entitled. What’s the first thing you want to do when your child feels pain? Take it away. When something’s wrong, you want to fix it for them, it’s engrained in us a “Mamma”. What happens we wake up one day to realize that by providing so much, loving so much we’ve made them ungrateful, we’ve made them co-dependent and lazy? Honestly, I don’t know that today’s youth know how far a simple, “thank you” or “how was your day mom?” goes. That just showing some interest or concern let’s the hardworking, frazzled and frustrated mom know that they’re not killing themselves for nothing. It’s very rare that you hear “yes, sir” or “no, ma’am” these days. My point is this, I have concentrated so much on making things great for my kid, making sure she not only has what she needs but what she wants that I have made it almost impossible for her see that she should be thankful for what she has, that she doesn’t always need more. I have made it hard for her mind to conceive that if you want good things in life you have to work for them. You want a 4.0 GPA and to go to your dream school? Work for it, study hard, prepare and take advantage of every opportunity granted to you. You want succeed at your sport or think you deserve more playing time? Work for it, put in the after hours work, refuse to give up and put forth 110% of effort into what you are passionate about every single day. I can’t do it for you and despite what my past actions may have displayed, I don’t want to do it for you. I want you experience the feel of achieving a goal you worked for. I want you to be proud of yourself. I want you to want for others, to think of others and feel empathy for those around you. I want you to realize that others matter just as much as you do, despite the fact that I’ve made you feel like the only little girl in the world. You matter but others matter too. We’ve reached the point in your life that I just have to hope you come to these realizations on your own. Truth is, I know what you’re capable of, I know deep down you have everything it takes to climb any mountain you chose to tackle. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader waiting at the top. I’ll even hold your hand through the hardest peaks but I cannot and will not climb that mountain for you, I love you too much to do that. I have had my time, now is yours and I love you too much to live through you. I want you to experience not only the happiness and laughter that comes with life but the sadness and adversity life throws your way as well. And while as a young teen this may seem harsh to you, my hope is that one day you’ll understand, one day when you’re a mother, you’ll see the method behind my madness. I hope that by trying to be such a good mother to you, that I haven’t failed you all together.

Guest Post: The Journey

Guest post from The Coach that resides in our home, this year is a particularly sentimental one for our family, some of our kids (because any part of the basketball family is just that - family) that we have spent countless hours with, in multiple cities and states over the summers are graduating in a few short weeks and it is really hitting home. Below he speaks out, which he hardly ever does, about his journey with a special group of young men over the course of two, three, four or five years on being in the huddle on the sidelines with them. He talks about how all chapters in life, no two alike, end as a new one begins and what you take with you when you go is most important. --------------------------------------------------The Journey-from beginning to end and this is what I’ve learned ------- Charlie Pack Are there things I’d go back and change? It’s only natural to say yes, but then we would not be where we are today and we wouldn’t be as wise as we are today, we wouldn’t be the people we are today. A journey consists of many things, many hours of pounding the stone hoping to just have a chance at the end. There will be highs and lows, you will sweat together, you will cry together (both of happy and sad ones) and you will be your brother’s keeper. Those that have support you,  embrace them, those are the people you can talk to about your dream, your journey and they will understand you, understand your determination and destination. Ignore those that doubt you, if you let them in they will only bring you down. Instead use their words, their doubts as motivation on the days you feel like quitting. There will be arguments, regrets, adversity, disagreements, and your character will be tested. Don’t let the obstacles overshadow the love, laughter, hugs, smiles, and bonds you build along the way.

And just as everything in life does, the journey will come to and end, people will move on and start anew. And with that change all you can do is hope that the relationships that have been built will outlast time. You hope that  the lessons you have been taught and values that have been instilled in you on this part of the journey help you achieve more in life and guide your path.

The beginning is scary, the process is fun and the ending is sad - that’s the complete journey. Letting go of things at the end of each chapter of your life can become emotionally draining. And you must start all over again. Developing new relationships, figuring out goals and what brings purpose to them. What are their goals on and off the court? And just like with every process, it is a challenge at first, but when you stick to what works, when those relationships blossom it is a beautiful thing.

Our journey has been a beautiful thing and it has made us who we are today. We can’t live in the past, we can’t go back and change it, we learn from it, let it make us better and brace for the future because nobody knows what’s ahead of us. Focus on the present, prepare for tomorrow and learn from the past and grow.  

The journey is not always easy but, it is worth every single second. Wins and losses don’t matter, it’s the relationships, smiles, hugs, and knowing you have helped them along the way and they have helped with yours that is truly what makes the process of the journey beautiful.

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