I Hope That I Haven’t Failed you

The older I get the less and less holidays are enjoyable for me. I guess I should accompany that statement with saying this first, I am one lucky girl, I’ve made so many memories and been blessed with opportunities to better myself and provide for my family, I’ve had the privilege of knowing and developing relationships with great friends, I have an amazing family both blood and not and I’ve had the amazing experience of loving others. So, I don’t want my first sentence to seem petty or ungrateful, it’s exactly the opposite - words can never express my gratitude and I’ve lost enough loved ones to know that I cannot afford to take one minute, one opportunity for granted to make memories with my loved ones, which holidays often provide. It’s just the pressure, the expectation of those singled out special days of the year that bring one more thing into the fold you have to worry about and today, Mother’s Day, is no exception. As moms, I feel like we’re under a microscope enough, the pressure to be the successful professional, the dry-cleaner, the baker, the chef, the maid, the confidant, the chauffeur and the find anything missing in less than a minute individual. It doesn’t help that the very minute we fail at one small thing it’s broadcasted to the world. Do I love being a mom? Of course I do. Do I love my daughter more than life? Absolutely. Would I trade a minute of my life? No way. Would I trade my life for hers, take the pain for her, try to keep the world from ever hurting her? Certainly. How am I doing as a mom? I’m failing and failing bad. Is it possible that I’ve tried too hard to be a good mom that it’s made me bad at it? Because that’s exactly how I feel about it today. In the world we live in today, our kids are exposed to so many things that can ultimately factor into the type of person they become, the type of adult they will be, how hard they will work. I’ve focused so much on doing so much for my daughter, I’ve spoiled her since birth and I’m realizing now that instead of making her feel loved, I’ve only made her feel entitled. What’s the first thing you want to do when your child feels pain? Take it away. When something’s wrong, you want to fix it for them, it’s engrained in us a “Mamma”. What happens we wake up one day to realize that by providing so much, loving so much we’ve made them ungrateful, we’ve made them co-dependent and lazy? Honestly, I don’t know that today’s youth know how far a simple, “thank you” or “how was your day mom?” goes. That just showing some interest or concern let’s the hardworking, frazzled and frustrated mom know that they’re not killing themselves for nothing. It’s very rare that you hear “yes, sir” or “no, ma’am” these days. My point is this, I have concentrated so much on making things great for my kid, making sure she not only has what she needs but what she wants that I have made it almost impossible for her see that she should be thankful for what she has, that she doesn’t always need more. I have made it hard for her mind to conceive that if you want good things in life you have to work for them. You want a 4.0 GPA and to go to your dream school? Work for it, study hard, prepare and take advantage of every opportunity granted to you. You want succeed at your sport or think you deserve more playing time? Work for it, put in the after hours work, refuse to give up and put forth 110% of effort into what you are passionate about every single day. I can’t do it for you and despite what my past actions may have displayed, I don’t want to do it for you. I want you experience the feel of achieving a goal you worked for. I want you to be proud of yourself. I want you to want for others, to think of others and feel empathy for those around you. I want you to realize that others matter just as much as you do, despite the fact that I’ve made you feel like the only little girl in the world. You matter but others matter too. We’ve reached the point in your life that I just have to hope you come to these realizations on your own. Truth is, I know what you’re capable of, I know deep down you have everything it takes to climb any mountain you chose to tackle. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader waiting at the top. I’ll even hold your hand through the hardest peaks but I cannot and will not climb that mountain for you, I love you too much to do that. I have had my time, now is yours and I love you too much to live through you. I want you to experience not only the happiness and laughter that comes with life but the sadness and adversity life throws your way as well. And while as a young teen this may seem harsh to you, my hope is that one day you’ll understand, one day when you’re a mother, you’ll see the method behind my madness. I hope that by trying to be such a good mother to you, that I haven’t failed you all together.