My Water is Cloudy....

Three summers ago, right after my family of three had relocated to a town nearly three hours from the only place I'd ever known as home my husband helped make a long time wish of mine come true. Given our new home and rather large back yard, we put in a pool. For as long as I can remember, way back to when I still played dress up, I have always wanted a pool.

I had the picture in my head of how it would be, how much fun we'd have as a family, how tan I would become, never once did it cross my mind how much time and money that went in to keeping that thing suitable for afloat.  There's so much more to pool ownership than picking the perfect float (because the ones that allow you to soak up the water are the best) or using the right SPF.  Being a first time pool owner, I had no idea there needed to be weekly cleaning with a vacuum that is nowhere as easy to manipulate as a Hoover, the right winterizing chemicals had to be used at end of season and there is even a particular way you should cover your backyard vacation in preparation for the colder months ahead.  It's a constant job, but it's one that I had always wanted  right?  

As we open our pool for the third season of use the water is no where near the crystal blue of seasons past,  clouds galore align within my circular escape of tranquility, all because I slipped on a few chores when ending the season last year and let some crud take camp at the bottom. My husband calls me over-dramatic, I come by it honestly, but it's rather safe to say that I was throwing somewhat of a hissy fit over this less than perfect water. Sitting in my back yard last night sulking and staring endlessly at the liner I wish I could see, I had a moment.  Am I really here pouting over some cloudy water?  Is this really worth my wasting my time and negating any positivity within my day.  I had this thought, and I may deny it to anyone else but I was actually thinking,  how spoiled am I? Here I sit so upset just because my water is cloudy when I should be glad I have water at all.  This also prompted me to think about all the aspects of life that one sentence could apply too, my water is cloudy.  

Society as a whole today drives us to believe that we have to possess certain things, act certain ways, be part of certain groups.  We're lead to believe that appearance is everything and by no means should we ever go out of the house with looking less than stellar, behave in any manner less than desired.  Our homes should be clean, laundry complete, dinner on the table.  Our children should be the example of manners, our marriage without conflict. Society even tries to coach us and influence as to what we should believe and only that is considered to be politically correct.  Our families are to be  without any drama, conflicts or disagreements, there should be no cloudy water in our pools of life so to speak. Society has apparently never been to a "real" family reunion, you'll drown in cloudy water at the park that day. 
There are days when I believe I am drowning in cloudy water, there is no shame in my game.  My laundry may be piled up for days but we have clothes. My house isn't always clean but at least we have a roof over our heads, my dinner may be microwaveable or bought at times but we have food to eat.  I often have to remind my daughter to say "please" and "thank you" however; I wouldn't trade her for the world.  My husband may frustrate me to no end at times (i.e. the reason for the actual cloudy water in my pool ha ha ha )  but we love unconditionally.  My family invented crazy and you better believe we push the boundaries on that stereotype everyday, but I have a family, I have love in my life.  Makeup doesn't touch my face everyday and let's just say it wouldn't be hurtful if I could find time to get a run in a couple days a week.  My clothes aren't always ironed and I wear a hat more days than I wear my hair down.  Here's the thing though, I'm alive, I'm healthy, I am able to work everyday, I am able to take all my blessings and make the life I have been blessed with great.

Perfection is overrated and perception is what you make it. Maybe someone looks at me and sees the slob I feel like I am most days or maybe someone looks at me and sees a working mom and wife just doing the best she can, nothing I do is going to change that.  I'm going to embrace my cloudy water, use it to help me grow, become a better me and those that truly know my heart will want to swim in my pool anyway.  

You've Taught me More Than any Professor, Mentor or Teacher I Have Ever Had....Thank You

Last huddle and prayer of the Spring 2016
Tournament Season

Each time a season of our lives end I like to reflect.  It's almost like I feel that if I do not write about it I'm not doing that part of my life justice.  It is my belief that memories, life experiences and the relationships you make along the way make up the largest portion of who you were, who you are and who you're going to be.  What you take in and take away from those experiences prepare you to deal with anything life may throw at you.  

Being that basketball is the other woman in my husbands life ball season is always full of experiences. Who knew basketball was a year round sport? Take it from this Coaches wife, it is. This past weekend wrapped up the spring portion of AAU season and even though I should be ecstatic that my daughter and I will not be living out of a gym or referring to a hotel as home every weekend I can't help but be a little sad.  The best way to describe what it feels like is this, it's kinda of like family from out of town has been visiting for weeks and the dreaded time for them to go home has came. You knew in the back of your mind you couldn't keep them with you forever, but you were just having so much fun. 


For the past two months my very small family of three became a family of double digits.  Spending every weekend with multiple sets of families, staying in the same hotel, eating meals together, carpooling together,  just being together, leads to loads of experiences, memories and too many inside jokes to count, you become family.  One large group of people with the same end goal in mind, help these kids, guide these kids, so that they're given every opportunity available.


First Weekend of the 2016 Season, TYBA Session 1

One of my absolute favorite pastimes is aggravating my better half about his obsession with coaching, I have to admit though, I've enjoyed it just as much as he has.  Even though the amount of time he puts into this is enormous (because he doesn't half way do anything) and it takes away from his time at home, even though my yard may not be the best looking on the block due to weekends reserved for tournaments as opposed to grass mowing, even though our pool may not be useable until June, even though it may mean I have to attend a couple parent things solo, I would not want it any other way.  Call me crazy (some may say I am) but when I see the results of what all this time has been sacrificed for, my chest gets that warm feeling. When speaking of results I'm not referring to a win / loss record,  I'm referring to the relationships formed, the friendships made, the memories shared. The character development of young men and the fullness of comfort that they have someone they can come to whenever they need an ear to listen, a kind word to encourage or a hard truth to keep them in check.  The fact that I see them walk away knowing they have someone in their corner that will be their biggest fan but be the first to "keep it real" with them when needed,  that makes my chest swell with so much pride for the man I married and the sons I've borrowed.  

Watching the bonds and relationships develop within this team has taught me more than any professor, mentor or teacher I've ever had.  The sacrifices made are well worth it to have a front row seat to see something this special, something this rare be formed.  It's almost impossible to have a husband head first involved and the wife not be along for the ride, I mean seriously who do you think keep the husbands in check?  Ha ha.  I feel beyond blessed that my Coach is "all in" while it has allowed me to watch and form some great friendships. 

As the this season of our lives end I'll leave with this...

Remember these relationships and take them with you wherever you go in life. These memories,  hold them close always and recall them often.  That jubilation, reminisce about it every time you need a silver lining on a cloudy day.  The adversity, use it to guide you through difficulties you may come across down the road. Most importantly, never forget what got you where you are, even the simplest things,  remember the path and do not deviate from it.  

 
We go with a great thanks to a group of young men.  Thank you for being respectful, kind, generous and remarkable.  Thank you for being the older brothers our daughter will never have.  Thank you for the school pick-ups, the attendance at WWE parties and the demonstration of the "Five Knuckle Shuffle". A special thanks for the sarcastic wit you've instilled in our 11 year old, so much so that when she speaks she sounds like one of you. Thank you for being the sons we may never have and becoming a part of our family we didn't know was missing. For the endless jokes, the help in planning "not so surprise" parties, the chauffeuring when needed and the conversations we thank you. Thank you for helping  a Coach recall why it is that he loves what he does so much at a time when it was desperately needed. 

Thank you parents for loaning your sons to a family that needed it at the time.   For loaning us an extra brother, son and friend we thank you.  Thank you for your never ending and unwavering support. Thank you for your generosity and kindness. Thank you for giving my husband the opportunity to mentor your child, for giving our family the opportunity to be a part of such wonder young men's lives, even if just for a small portion of time.  For the relationships, the memories and the experiences we thank you. Most of all, regardless of what the future holds, thank you for making our small family bigger, always.

















 

That Friend You'll Always Share Childhood With

Today I was taken way back into my childhood and slapped in the face with yet another similarity my daughter and I share 

It's Spring Break this week and while it would be so nice to have our toes in the sand and the sun on our faces we sometimes just have to take what we can get and be thankful.  Today we made a day trip to an indoor trampoline park about two hours away from our home. The trip being a reward for getting all A's on her last report card and for Spring Break.

The only person she wanted to ask to go with her was her best friend, which happens to be a boy, a very well behaved and nice young man. I've had the privilege of getting to know him better this school year because of their evolvement together on the Academic Team and I'm glad.  I can now say I know him when I hear a million stories about him after school throughout the week. 

Spending time with them today immediately took me back to all the good times I had with my best friend growing up, whom also was a boy.  Watching them interact threw me directly back to kick ball games on William Hill Lane and wrestling in J Fayes living room with my childhood best friend Chris. The similarities were uncanny, the laughter was unending, the conversation between them challenging because no one wants to be wrong, the brutal honesty that friendships lack these days and just the easy going banter.  That "no holds barred" banter that you better be willing to take if you're brave dish it out.  

This friendship with the boy out the street is what made my childhood so exciting, so challenging....so memorable. Chris and I knew each other better than anyone else, which could be a double edged sword when you think about it, meaning we could finish each other's sentences or knew exactly what to say to get a rise out of the other.  Christopher could make my blood boil unlike any other person, but he could also make me laugh when I needed it and knew what to say to make me feel better.  I could never stay mad at him long. 

From being competitive with each other when we were little playing t-ball or to my endless number of school shirts with his number on them ( yes, sixteen years later and I still have those shirts) screaming like a mad woman from the stands at his football and baseball games. From our wrestling with each other in his living room floor to each of us ready to fight anyone else that said a bad word about the other.  Riding in his mom's truck to school to riding with each other and my praying to make it there in one piece when he drove. Ha ha ha. From him being my ear when I had trouble with a boyfriend to him sitting by my bed the whole time I was in labor with my daughter until he suggested that we had reached the parts of the event that stretched the friendship boundary, ha ha ha.  We went from him helping me up when I fell on the playground at school to him holding me on the floor and letting me fall apart when my papaw died.  

Yes, life happens we all have different paths we have to follow and most of us follow all the wrong ones before we end up on the right one. Chris and I may have grown apart but I know that I could call him right now if I needed him and he would come to me.  He is my childhood, some of my best memories include our times together and the majority of my funniest high school memories include him. 

Watching my daughter today, who is so much like her mother it's scary, I was able to look back on some memories I hadn't thought about in a long time. I can close my eyes and see us plain as day in his jeep going to school, sitting in the stands at his baseball games, Chinese fire drills in the park, dancing at prom as an inside joke, Kid Rock music played way too loud, hide and go seek in the neighborhood....I could go on and on. 

Today during my stroll down memory lane it occurred to me how important  the friendships you make early in life really are. Not that friends made in college or in adulthood aren't great, they are, I have some awesome friends that I would be lost without that I have made late in life. It's just those friends who stand by you earliest in life at more than likely your most awkward stages, they're special and regardless of where you end up or even if you've traveled completely different roads you can always look back and smile. You'll always be bonded,  you'll always have childhood.  

To My Daughter : "Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful"

by MistyPackToday is picture day for my 9-year-old third grader and if it only gets worse as she gets older I am not sure I will live through many more.  Okay, so I am totally being snide and I will make it through them; however, this morning made me realize how tough it really is to be a kid sometimes.  All the time I say loudly that I would trade places with her any day, to go back and have who I play with at recess or if I had studied my multiplication tables be my biggest worries of the day – to heck with all this responsibility of making sure she’s fed, has clean clothes and that I report to work on time.  Then my daughter reminds me, in the most enlightening way and I am immediately taken  back to my sixth grade self. 

As the crocodile tears stream down her sometimes innocent, all the time cute little face she mumbles “this doesn’t look right, I am fat” – and just like that my childhood comes rushing back.  Quick I say to her “No you are not fat, why on earth would you say that?” I mean really, my 11 year old is concerned with her appearance this much?  Can we please rewind to yesterday when it was a fight to get her to wear actual clothes to school and not sweat pants and a basketball jersey? Let me add though, she rocks those jersey’s like nobody’s business, but I may be a little bias.  Where was this coming from?  I thought we were past this?  It was just about a month ago when we had this same conversation before school one morning, today was worse though, she was really really upset.  I asked her “What makes you think you’re fat?” Her reply “this shirt is too tight on my arms and because they just say I am.”  Ah ha – THEY – I remember them fondly and THEY usually end up being one or two individuals.  THEY can be pretty mean and make you feel pretty bad about yourself too.  I proceeded to give her my pep talk “Who are THEY? And what gives them the right to decide who is fat and who is not?”  I proceed to walk around the house showing the little one pictures of herself and the radiant smile only she can pull off and I say “you see this little girl, this little girl isn’t worried about what THEY say, she is only worried about having fun and being a kid – Do not let what THEY say take this little girl away” My daughter looked up at me with little tears in her eyes and smiled a little, although I could tell she was just being courteous at my attempt at a life affirming pep talk. 

After I dropped her off at school my heartache grew, now this is the part of being a kid I do not miss and this is also the part of being a mom that is the worst.  Helplessness is something a mother, a parent never wants to feel and this is one of those times, we can’t always fight battles for them. In my mind I start to connect pieces, some of the things that my daughter had said at home recently, some of the things that she had been doing – apparently this thing with THEY had been going on for longer than I thought.  Immediately I am furious with myself, how could I not see this?  How could I not have noticed how many times she had asked me what size clothes she wore, if the snack she was eating was healthy and how much is a 11 year-old supposed to weigh?  Her little wheels in that beautiful head had been turning regarding this topic for weeks.  Again there I am, my 6 grade self standing crying because someone had written a nasty note about how big I was – but that was 6th grade, she is in 5th,  things definitely have changed.

When I was little my mom used to tell me “honey you’re not fat, you’re just big-boned”,  funny right? What makes it even funnier is that I believed her.  My daughter is too quick witted for me to break that old school one out on her, I have to be more clever. 

I believe there is a difference between being bullied and being teased.  I think society has put such an emphasis on bullying today that we have lost touch with what it really is.  For the record I do not think my daughter is being bullied.  Kids can just be mean sometimes and say the most hurtful things, mine included.  It doesn’t mean they are bad kids.

After the teasing and tears I went through as a youngster I have made it a priority to teach my child about how hurtful words can be and how important it is to think before you speak because words last forever, and that even if something mean is said to you, it doesn’t mean you should say something nasty back even though you want too.  All parents may not share my opinion and thats fine.  I read an interesting article the other day about a female struggling with her weight and it makes more sense now that I can apply it to real life.  The author said – “mom you should not always be talking about how fat you are or that you need to lose weight.  Your daughters are watching  you and if they don’t learn to love themselves from the female figure they see every day society wins”.  I have got to start doing better with that, set a more positive example about acceptance with who you are.  Even if I am on a diet or when I get frustrated when jeans don’t fit, I need to keep the negative comments about myself in check, “mommy watches what she eats because she wants to be healthy and have more energy” as apposed to “I have got to lose some weight”.   Society has such a stronghold on perceptions these days, it is almost as if they think we have forgotten to think for ourselves.  I want my daughter to know that being different is remarkable and being unique is a quality everyone would love to have.  God makes everyone special.  I want my little one to know that THEY do not decide how her life is lived, if she looks good or what kind of person she is, SHE does – everyone must learn to love themself.  Of course I am sure it is going to be easy to get a 11 year-old to understand this, heck I am in my 30’s and I still struggle with this stuff.

The fact of the matter is that – THEY will always be around, someone will always want to tear you down.  So as a parent and a mother to my daughter I feel like I need to just keep reinforcing that,  even if I have to do it every morning as she is putting on clothes for school or even if THEY say something about the way she is dressed or her weight everyday. Because as bad as this mamma wants to muzzle THEY, it’s not an option and I want my daughter to know that once she starts letting on that THEY do not bother her and that THEY do not get to decide how she feels that is when THEY lose all their power over her.  We  should always know what kind of power we have over our own lives, we get to decide how we look, how we feel or what we think THEY DO NOT. 

I want my daughter to know that she is one of a kind, smart, witty and beautiful.  THEY may say differently but THEY do not get the last say,  in the famous words of Marilyn Monroe  “Be your own kind of Beautiful”.   

You Don't Have to Like it, but Please Respect it

"Never judge someone until you've walked in their shoes" ...

I've heard this quote multiple times in my life, although I've never grasped the true meaning of it until now.  

In 2012 we made a decision as a family to move away from the only plac I'd ever known as "home". And anyone, whose walked in my shoes, would have known that the decision made was made because it was the best for all three of us in our home, was it easy to leave? No.  Did I do it to intentionally hurt someone?  Not a chance. Do I miss my loved ones? Everyday.  Do I regret our decision? Absolutely not. Do I get homesick?  Depends on how you define "homesick".  Distance has taught me two very important lessons.  

One, being "homesick" doesn't always mean what you think it does, it's not being sick for a "house" or the house you grew up in, it can mean being sick for your loved ones, those friends and family you consider "home",  or it can mean you just miss the way things used to be, that's what being homesick means to me. It means that I long for the way things used to be, during a time when smiles and laughter filled the air, when inside jokes were shared, when road trips were a regular occurrence, when you could feel the love poring out of the house we were gathered in, when relationships weren't strained and troubles didn't triumph the joy.  

I take and display way to many pictures. This is why, I have experienced moving on to a new chapter and loved ones deciding not to make the journey with me, and I want to be able to think about those "good" times and smile. I want to keep those memories so fresh because I know it'll never be that way again, the relationship between the people in that photo will likely never be the same. 

Two, that relationships are a two way street, you can't be the only one making effort.  If someone is really important to you, you make time to check on them and vice versa. You make it a priority to sustain that friendship. Those who make the effort to be there despite distance and disapproval of your location, those are your lifetime people, and more than likely the people on that list aren't always the ones you were sure would end up there, and that's okay.  It's okay to that some things will never be the same, it's okay they do not come on the journey with you, you take the memories of them and carry them with you always. You remain grateful for what was and excited about what's to come.  

Bottom line is this, your decision won't always be favorable to everyone, but those that truly care for you will respect it, they will not try to undermine it, they will not try to tear your family apart, they will not selfishly think about only how the decision effects them negatively but they will think about what a positive it is for you, for your child and be encouraging.  They will respect that you're just trying to give your child a better life than you could have ever dreamed of, that you only want to better yourself with opportunities so you can be someone your daughter looks up to. They will understand that this decision in no way means you care for or love them any less, that you in no capacity, maliciously wanted to hurt them, that you don't long for you both to make the effort to ensure the relationships don't change,  because you do. What they should understand is that you just want to make the best life possible for those in your home, that you want to give your child every opportunity you possibly can in this life.  

What's even more important is that it is understood that this life, is yours and you make the decisions, it doesn't mean you aren't grateful for the past and everything anyone has done or does to help you.  Will you always make the right decisions? Heck No, but you'll learn a lesson.  Will I raise my child the way I feel is best?  Yes   Will everyone always agree with it? No.  Realize that you aren't really wanting agreeable understanding, you just want respect.  Respect and love go hand in hand.  Understand that this is life and although it may not be the way you dreamed it to be or in the most desirable circumstances for everyone the only thing that really matters is that you're doing what you feel is best and doing your best.  You pull up your big girl panties and you push on.

Moments

Everyone has a "moment" - one particular point in time when something alters your entire life and sets into motion a whirlwind of emotions and events that you may have not ever encountered if you had not experienced that "moment".  In fact, most probably have more than one "moment", I can think of several just off the top of my head - some I probably never thought I would credit as good.  

It's 2:30 AM on a Saturday night and I am awakened from a dead sleep - in that very moment - things came into focus clearer than ever before.  You see, that is the thing about "moments" - you can't possibly be prepared for them so how you react speaks volume about your character.  I aged ten years on one Saturday night, I learned a life lesson and I learned a lot about myself, who I was, how strong I was and what I am capable of.  That Saturday night was several years ago  - and so many things in my life can be traced back to that "moment".  My strength as a woman and mother and my ability to pick myself up, off the ground, dust off my hands and keep moving.    

Post "moment" I began to look at things differently - I began to look at myself closer asking the questions everyone will ask at some point in life - How did I get here?  Who am I? Why me? Can I do this?  At that point in my life - I wasn't where I needed to be or necessarily where I wanted to be, but I was there and it was comfortable.  When we as individuals are comfortable in situations, not necessarily happy, just comfortable we often do not want to disrupt ourselves.  My disruption was needed  and without my "moment" the disruption may have never surfaced.  I wasn't living anymore - I was just existing (isn't that what that lady said in "The Family that Prays" ).  You see, where I was pre "moment" was not at all in the plans. Which the plans never really pan out all the time - show me one person completely fullfilled the "In 10 Years" page in their senior book.  Things needed to change, I needed to change my path - so I did - again - credit to my "moment".   

There are so many "moments" that have taught me a great deal about myself and the ways of the world.  I guess, that is why we have them - so we are forced out of our "comfort" zones, pushed to our limits and learn to overcome any adversity in life.  Like it or not - all our memories make us who we are - all those "moments" even the ones we would like to forget help develop our character as individuals.  Recently I have come to realize that no matter what -  once our "moments" happen they are always going to be there - how we dealt with them at that time  and  how we choose to let them affect our lives in the present is what shapes our character and becomes part of how we are remembered  as individuals. 

The Good Guy Doesn't Always Win

Webster defines adversity as a state of instance of serious or continuous difficulty of misfortune. My preference is to acknowledge it for what it is: a big load of crap.  And let's just be honest, no one wants to deal with crap.  Unfortunate as it is, life from start to finish will be filled with adversity because let's be real, no ones life is as perfect as their Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram or any other social media platform I have named, portrays it to be.  We all have to deal with crap, so make sure you keep your shovel handy.  

Lessons you live through are the most important ones you'll ever receive,  sorry teachers but you know I'm right. Life continues to teach us well after we acquire prestigious degrees, life's lessons last until we take our last breathe.  Adversity is teaching tool number one and it has taken me a very long time to accept that shoveling crap (aka dealing with adversity) should be appreciated because it molds you, strengthens you, shapes you and builds your character.  Whoever thought that crap would make you a better you. 

There's always gonna be challenges, in all shapes and forms and sometimes on consecutive days, so as parents or leaders it's important that we are the example, that we send our youth out into this world prepared for what is going to be thrown at them.  Our younger generation needs to know that, there really aren't that many happily ever afters, the good guy doesn't always get the girl and ride off into the sunset.  Your modern day glass slipper may be more like a Tom with a hole in the toe.  Cheaters sometimes do win, and once you've lost lost multiple times you will be tempted to cheat. But knowing this should be all the proof you need to hold on to those rare moments when you get to experience the good in the world, when the good guy gets to stand on the top of the podium you better photograph and document the heck out of it. 

There will be people in this world that just get pure delight in assaulting your character or ability and stooping to their level for revenge may seem like it's a good idea but it's not. As much as you don't want to admit it,  pushing that little boy in the mud hole on the playground because he pulled your hair didn't feel as good as you thought it would. 

Just because someone says "I got you" doesn't meant they really "got you". People you can trust are few and far between, you really should keep your circle small. In today's society it is rare that you find someone who's going to go to bat for you unless there's something in it for them. They're not always gonna keep your secrets and more than likely they're gonna talk behind your back.   So when you find these rare creatures, those that will walk through the storm with you, that will stand beside you through adversity, those that will be your voice when you can't, put them under lock and key. Those are lifetime people.  

Life is not always fair.  The best student doesn't always win the spelling bee, the nicest girl doesn't always win homecoming, they guy with the best arm isn't always quarterback and the quickest guy isn't always the point guard. If you want to be involved you have to prepare yourself for this. As bad as we want to believe that things will be done the right way, that they will be done fairly and everyone will be treated equal, that's just not the case.  Someone at work will always want to point out your faults, a friend will always want to have something better than you.  That promotion you've worked so hard for, the one you deserve, you won't always get it and it'll be obvious that the person who did get it didn't deserve it. This is our world, this is life. 

Now that the crap is out there how do we dig ourselves out?  I'll tell you, you take the road less traveled, you stand out, you use all the negative to make your character unbreakable.  You put your head down and push through the crap, you push past the jealous, you push out the malicious and you keep getting stronger. You grab adversity by neck and you crush it. How do you do this? Be a lifetime person, be selfless, be loyal, study harder, work harder, dig in deep when someone tries to push you out of the way, stand tall for what you believe in, stand up for who you believe in, do the right thing even if it doesn't benefit you. Be the best you there is and do it so boldly that you can't be ignored and that the bad guy stands out. Take adversity head on and be thankful for it, relish in it and use it to your advantage. How you come out of this storm is completely up to you but you can guarantee you won't be the same as you were when you went in, if you want the glass slipper go get it. Fight the good fight, fight when you feel like you can't fight anymore, do not give up, do not run and even if your certain you're gonna lose, make sure you go down swinging. In all aspects of life you get to chose, are you a victim or victorious.